Savannah Guthrie on NBC's Today Show; who just gave birth to a baby girl, has taken my midlife mind and heart on a whirlwind. I have watched her express her fear of parenting and the fear of bringing a child into this world. The fear of not screwing up the most important job you will ever have. Knowing all eyes are on you and all eyes are judging. How I remember that pressure. When you first see that baby and feel a love you never have… you get it! You think come hell or high water I'm making things good for this little person. Congratulations Savannah and welcome sweet baby Vale. It has caught me off guard, but that fear and joy has hit me again. Even harder with crushing sobs sometimes, as I hide in my closet. Hiding because I don't want my family to know that I am so happy with the family we have built. I am terrified to complete the job. That job? To move forward and let my oldest and first born son spread his wings. The fear of bringing him into the world seems so small today compared to my fear of releasing him into this world. As I sit and watch the news in Ferguson less than half an hour drive from my front door in St. Louis. The coverage loudly reminds me… it's not a kind world and life can be hard. But I must remember we have given him love, we have given him faith, and we have taught him the necessary tools for life. So yes, I also have the joy, just as I did when I saw him for the very first time. The joy of a proud mom accepting the gift of a baby who was perfect in my eyes. I have the joy of knowing we have raised a good man. We have done our part and he is ready. He is excited and he wants to go out and be a part of this world and make his mark. I look at baby Vale and think I also have a little girl with those cheeks and in two more years I must release her too. Will the tears ever stop rolling down my cheeks, so I can see what I am typing to finish this blog darn it?
The other trigger, the posts on social media of the first day of preschool and kindergarten have caught my eye. I click on every one of them I see and remember. The heavy back pack, the untied shoe, the missing front teeth… but in every moms eyes these are our perfect children. When you took that first one and dropped them off, you thought 3:00pm would never come. To look back in my rearview mirror as I ran errands and see one child seat empty, would tug at my heart. This drop off 18 years later is going to tug a little harder I fear. He has started packing his suitcase instead of a backpack. Gone are the supplies of kleenex and hand wipes that he took to school. The supplies are crates, racks and refrigerators. CLICK FOR COUPONS! I must admit even though it's hard to let go there is a bubbling excitement inside me as well. Which is why I hide the tears because I can't explain to my teenager that I am so excited, thrilled and happy for him! What teenager is going to believe those words when my lips are trembling because my throat is so tight and burning as I fight back tears. I don't have time to share that my midlife hormones are also part of his college journey transition. For now it will be the closet until my heart gets put back into my chest. I will not ruin his adventure. He has worked hard and we are proud. I must follow my own advice I put in front of you every blog I post. Keep looking forward so you don't miss what God puts in front of ya!
When I dropped my last off to kindergarten. I think I was screeching on two wheels when I pushed her out of the car. I was so excited to finally have 7 hours to myself. I was no longer a toddler event coordinator it was true freedom. I was now shocked at how fast 3:00pm came! Which tells me it's all how you view it! Let's do that, let's look forward by getting the first one off to college. Then I will focus on all that lies ahead. Having one at home to spoil and give my undivided attention. (She may not like that, ha sweet revenge.) New locations to visit as I follow my kids on their adventures. A house that stays clean for several days. More time to reconnect with my husband. We are even trying to downsize to a turn key condo to make life more hassle free. If we can make a family of four so awesome. Think what we can do with new daughter/son in-laws and grandchildren. My tears are drying now, there is only light wetness on my lashes. I am feeling better and more focused on finishing the job I started 18 years ago. I will copy the words that Savannah used when she brought Vale into the world as I take my oldest to college. "I feel like life just started"… again.
Keep looking forward so you don't miss what God puts in front of ya!
Matuschka's Midlife... Telling it like it is...