Voice Over And Narration Services By Matuschka Lindo
 
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By Matuschka Lindo

There I was sitting in another hotel lobby waiting for my taxi to take me to the airport. Behold the vision in front of me, three flight attendants dressed impeccably in red and white. A-line pencil skirts with matching blazers. All three were drop dead gorgeous with hair in a bun or chignon. They were flight attendants from Virgin America… How I wish I were on that flight. Their claim to fame is that they are on a mission to make flying good again. I am here to tell you that there is no where to go but up… When I fly now, all I can think is where is the can of Lysol? There is no etiquette, there is no such thing as great service from ANY of the airlines, and travelers have forgotten that an airplane is just a travel vehicle not the basement of their home. I can go through a plethora of issues that I am appalled with, but lets’ just cover three. Paying for where you sit, bringing food onto a plane, and dress code.

Unless you are paying extra for First Class or Business Class it really just doesn’t make sense to me. Think about it? Let’s just take Southwest for this particular example. You pay extra for early boarding. Clarify where the advantage is? If I pay early… I get to get on that dirty plane first, so I can sit longer and breathe that polluted vent air. Then I get to wait and try to avoid eye contact with everyone coming on. I now have absolutely no choice in who I get to sit next too, as I have boarded and am now a sitting duck for any passenger who wants to sit next to me. Unless I desperately needed an aisle seat, (Which paying for early bird doesn't even guarantee) someone please tell me what the hell is the advantage to boarding early. I like to board in the middle somewhere in the B's. Walk through and see who looks relatively normal and hasn't brought a smorgasbord on board and decide if I want to sit next to them. Then I like to sit down and know that in 10 minutes they are preparing to take off. This seems more convenient to me and guess what… it does not cost extra! Click Here for an article that agrees with me... Earlybird check in is basically for those who just hate to sit in the middle. 

I don’t even know where to start with the food. Dear travelers unless you are traveling abroad… can you not fast for 1, 2 or 4 hours. There is a reason they serve light snacks. They really don’t want you gorging during the flight. Those snacks are light not a supersize meal. Nor do they have much odor or require heavy-duty wipes. If your food item is loud to eat, requires you to lick your fingers or requires more than a single napkin IT IS NOT AIRPLANE/TRAVEL APPROPRIATE! NO to Doritos, keep the Ranch, Nachos any flavor Doritos off the damn plane. Sucking on your fingers to get the residue off from the Doritos, then reaching up to twist the air vent with those Doritos saliva combo fingers is beyond NASTY! Now for those of you that take it further than the snack. There is never a reason, let me say again... never a reason to eat chicken wings on a plane. Definitely not next to me! That is just repulsive. I love wings but THINK! Be Considerate! That is not AIRPLANE FOOD! COME ON! Knowing you have a bag full of bones and greasy wing fingers can’t seem like a good idea in the end. Shame on you for being so selfish and beyond inconsiderate.  I agree with this writer, any food establishment in an airport terminal that serves seafood, deserves to go to hell.  If you bring ANY seafood on a plane even a tuna fish sandwich you deserve every dirty look you get. I don't even think you should be allowed to take seafood to work! If you are one of those that heats seafood up in the office microwave... you should be shot!

Lastly, this is not a lounge. It is a public form of transportation where random people you don’t know have to be in close proximity to you. SHOWER, comb your hair, put on decent clothes. Save the shorts and the tube top for when you get to the beach. And for the Love of God keep your shoes on. Especially if you don’t have socks. What if a bunch of strangers just got in your car and took their shoes off and started eating nasty shit and touching all your knobs on the inside of the car after they licked their fingers? Sounds ridiculous doesn’t it. Well wake up travelers! Your behavior is ridiculous and just down right RUDE. Here is what I would pay extra for... $12.50 to view background check of passenger with picture before boarding, be last on plane with guaranteed overhead space, in the front of plane. $10.00 to sit in middle of the plane with passengers in business casual clothing, closed toe shoes and no eating allowed. Hell, as dirty as the chairs look now with the odor I'm afraid I would even pay extra for leather seats $8.00. As travelers I think we have some work to do when it comes to manners, appearance and common sense.

Keep looking forward so you don't miss what God puts in front of ya!

Matuschka's Midlife... Telling it like it is...

 
 
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by Matuschka Lindo

Today's blog is late. I have just been sitting, staring at the screen not able to type. My baby girl started school today as a senior. She's the last one standing in the Briggs house as far as children in the nest. Last night all I dreamt about was her first day of preschool at Lucky Lane when she had two fingers in her mouth and Ms. Debbie had to pull her off my hip and pull her one hand with the death grip around my neck to separate us, so she could start preschool. She had the biggest red bow in her hair that consumed her head. She wore a Kelly's Kids outfit with her name on it, that matched her brothers shorts and shirt. Big tears slid down her face and I turned and got in the car and knew it was better not to look back. I just drove to the end of the street and took a deep breath. I was good. I didn't cry... I mean it was 9:00 a.m. and I was picking her back up at 1:00 p.m. for heaven's sake. But today I heard the footsteps upstairs and the scrambling of her getting ready at 6:00 a.m. this morning. She has been pumped. It's senior year and the excitement is just beaming from her. She ran downstairs in her PJ's her hair was a mess and she gave me a big hug and squealed. This is it! Senior year! (Just so you know I am sniffling and can't see the damn letters on the stupid key board as I type.) 

I watched her as she got ready and listened to her talk so fast about everything she needed to do, how she loved her classes, and how excited all her friends are... the Class of 2016! Then she surprised me and said, "Mom will you come to my first day of school?" Was it the look on my face? Was it just an after thought? Did she really want me there? Who cares I said YES! Absolutely! When she came down the steps a second time, I thought about my dream. Even at 17 she had a maroon bow in her hair with the front pulled back. Not as big as when she was three, and there were no tears just the biggest smile ever as she asked, "How do I look?" My throat was on FIRE straining to hold back tears. I mean, it hurt so bad that I quickly yelled, "Hold on," to get my phone to take some pictures so I could collect myself! This time she drove off and didn't look back, probably because it was better that way. I was the one with tears down my cheeks following her in my own car. 

I don't really have any websites to direct you to today. I just wanted to share what is a happy day but a hard one for many midlife parents. Knowing that the last one in the nest is on the tail end of her high school journey. I think the anticipation of being am empty nester is actually worse than when it happens. I also think the last one is a little harder because I fear the all consuming stillness and quiet that will soon be in our home. It's just change. There are many things about being an empty nester that I am looking forward too as well. I'm sure I'll blog about that soon. Right now I will just enjoy this bitter sweet time. And all the activities that will be coming to an end as she journeys through her senior year. This dancer who has been on stage since she was two. Who has a second momma, Ms. Caren at her dance school. If there is another person who is also feeling a tug it would have to be Ms. Caren. My daughter held on to Ms. Caren's leg for almost two years when she started dance. No other teacher would do. Yes one grubby chubby arm with a death grip around Ms. Caren's leg and the other with those two fingers in her mouth. My daughter the dancer has two homes that will miss her next year. This one and the dance studio. I fear she may miss the dance studio more... those wood floors and those dance bars are her escape, her release, her joy. Yes, it is time... I am preparing to watch it all, capture every second of her senior year. I am preparing myself to sit up high in the auditorium in a seat next to her other momma and enjoy my baby girls high school final bows. 

Dancing with the feet is one thing, but dancing with the heart is another. ~Author Unknown

Keep looking forward so you don't miss what God puts in front of ya!

Matuschka's Midlife... Telling it like it is...
Above picture by flathatnews.com


 
 
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by Matuschka Lindo

I had to step back and think about how many never hesitate to Reply All on a computer but to reply to a host.... crickets!
With an invitation comes some duty shall we say. Some respect to the host or hostess of an event. I think most of our generation and beyond understand and still respect this code that used to be drilled into us growing up, or at least I thought so. I will be the first to admit that I am a late responder which is rude! I have been on both ends of the RSVP nightmare and I just don't understand why it's so hard to be polite and just respond by the date asked. As I said, I am guilty of waiting until that deadline. I usually respond with a NO if I am not sure by that date. If things change, then I call and beg to come if something clears up. That's probably all wrong also. I refer to Emily Post for the answers. What I don't do is not respond at all, that is just Etiquette Hell. Are you a heathen, ignorant, or just mean? Someone has thought about you, invited you, wanted to include you and you can't respond at all? I say an exception may be the 500 invitations sent out for a huge charity event. Okay, that I get. You would go broke on postage responding to the two you get a week. But If a friend or an organization you are involved with sends you an invitation be civilized and respond.

I think the rules of an invitation have gone by the way side? I also believe Evite's make things more complicated. What the hell is a MAYBE? So maybe I make some food for you. Maybe I sit you with a table of 10. Maybe you will find something better to do. Well, maybe I don't want you to come anymore? Maybe is unacceptable. The way the majority of people handle an RSVP is beyond rude. Just for the record if it's a wedding or large party, they want food numbers five days from the event. So if you are calling to say you can come 2 days before, you should be shot. It's gotten so bad now I think people just make extra food for tacky people who come last minute. Etiquette experts say that only 50% of people answer their RSVP's. What a sad state we are in when it comes to manners. What is wrong with people? Is there no guilt when you get a call or email to see if you are coming. Which makes me think… if I have to beg someone to come to an event, I need to strike them from the list for the next time! Now the people who really make me bat crazy, the people who RSVP Yes and No Show. Let's get this out of the way right now. If you don't have some major foreign illness, I am talking very badly about you to someone… GUARANTEED! That is money people have shelled out for you and they won't be refunded.

Thanks to social media there are so many ways to contact a host and hide behind your faux pas, so there is just no excuse. I think the writing is on the wall for RSVP. People don't see the urgency anymore, or we are all just so over booked we can't keep up. I am guilty of having five events on my refrigerator and walking by only to see what I thought was the RSVP date was the actual day of the party. I screamed and immediately called the hostess with my apologies. Lets hope it's not that our manners are abhorrent, instead time management has gone awry. Here is my worst RSVP story ever. My mother in law (whom I love) is a very nice woman. But… she doesn't think things through sometimes. She went to a family reunion the year I was engaged and she handed the response card to some distant distant relatives in the sticks of Arkansas. Ten days before my wedding many moons ago, I opened up a response card that had come in the mail and it said Guests Attending 21. I kid you not! I cried for two days. My husband and I didn't even know who they were. I am not exaggerating and yes they all came and stood by the open bar all night $$$. I'm not saying we need to go back in time with etiquette where we had calling cards. I would say that when you get an invitation not only should you respond yes or no by the reply date. Remember, that invitation and response card are only for the people for which it is addressed. The RSVP is really simple. Respect the honor of an invitation and be gracious to those who invite us to celebrate.

Keep looking forward so you don't miss what God puts in front of ya!

Matuschka's Midlife... Telling it like it is...
Above image from paperlesspost.com

 
 
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by Matuschka Lindo

There I was in a boutique clothing store in tight quarters looking at some sale items. I was standing next to an elderly woman probably mid to late 80's. We were commenting on the fact that fall items were already out and it was only the beginning of August. Mid conversation she just Rips a long wheezing sound. I'm staring at her and she continues talking as if nothing is happening. The weirdest part of the entire thing, is I feel more uncomfortable than she does. How can that be? I am not the one letting out the 20 second high pitched Fart! There is no one else in the back of the store and I know it's not me. It's her and this natural act of Releasing Gas is not phasing her one iota. Which now I am starting to think? WOW! When do you get to that age or point in your life? When are you so comfortable in your skin and accept the uncontrollable events of mother nature with a que sera sera attitude? GEEZ, I am so not there yet!  CLICK HERE for TEN Fascinating Fart Facts! It really is worth the Click!

Studies say we potentially Butt Sneeze 15 to 20 times each day. Excuse me for doubting this, but I think I would know if I was Breaking Wind that much. I am NOT! Unless it happens while I am sleeping. Which could be, according to the  top ten Panty Burp Facts from above? Now let's get back to the woman who was Rump Ripping and talking to me while we were shopping. Turns out the odds of holding it in as you get older diminish for two reasons. (I see you all shaking your heads with a say it isn't so look.) But yes, we get gassier as we age. The general reason is that like everything else about our bodies as we get older, digestion slows down and food moves through the gut more slowly creating more gas. Sorry… Secondly, as we get older we take more prescription drugs. Gas is a side effect of some antibiotics and blood-pressure medications, and Flatulence often accompanies constipation. Here are some natural easy ways to control gas.

This blog research does not include men. They Pass Gas in jest and in public from birth. They sit on each there, they do it in tight quarters on purpose, they even put a match to it! So I am sure this is not something they worry about with age. Disgusting but I guess rewarding for the OLD FARTS! There's no hope for them so lets just concentrate on us females. There are diets like FODMAP, developed by Australian dietitian and nutritionist Sue Shepherd, that help people who have a lot of gas and food sensitivity. What none of my research gave me was the answer to when you start Tooting at free will in public and not give a damn who is around. Maybe it's not that you don't care? Maybe it's that when you reach a certain age there are too many Sphincter Whistles to control. This is a road I do not want to cross. I will be searching high and low on how to control the aging gassiness dilemma. I would love to hear from you. Will aging release your inhibitions when it comes to Heinie Hiccups? Do you have Raspberry standards? Only with your husband, girlfriends, or close relatives. Have you picked an age when you are going to Blow freely? Do Tell! It is quite musical through out the pews at early morning masses when I attend. So maybe I'll start there in a decade or so.

Keep looking forward so you don't miss what God puts in front of ya!

Matuschka's Midlife... Telling it like it is...
*Above image by Shutterstock/Salon