Voice Over And Narration Services By Matuschka Lindo
 
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by Matuschka Lindo

Fall/winter season is moving into clothing stores. I'm starting to get excited. I like that crispness of fall. The sweaters and layering and this year blue seems to be in. All shades of blue. A nice change for my predominately black closet. Midlife is tricky when you start thinking about being fashionable. Finding a pair of pants that just sit on your waist is almost unheard of… which is ridiculous. I'm too old to sit down and have my butt crack exposed. Actually I think it's tasteless for any girl, teen or woman older than 6 months of age! I don't want the pants that have elastic either. Or the ones that sit over a belly pooch like my grandma used to wear with a belt accentuating it all. What a fine line we have to walk in the world of midlife fashion. Dressing to still feel sexy, beautiful and elegant depending on the mood, becomes a challenge. As our body continues to change during these years there's an art to what we are dealing with. We need breasts to rise and waists to be found and bound. Yes, we need smoke and mirrors and age appropriate clothing. Linda Wolff shares how we can never go wrong with The Little Black Dress at Midlife. 

I'm going to give you Matuschka's don'ts for 40 and over. This is for the average woman. I know there are celebrities who are 55 and can wear skin tight leather pants. As there are everyday people we know who can pull it off. But I can't and neither can the majority of mid lifers. Don't shop at Forever 21 or any other place that has clothes that cheap. There is a reason the clothes are cheap in the teen department. Because the fabric is cheap. Unless you have killer body without flaws (like when you are 21) you are setting your midlife body up for FAILURE! Short shorts, short skirts, too short anything… let it go. Heels are great, stilettos maybe... as long as they aren't glossy, fuchsia and hoe like. Wear a bra! I don't care if you are AA wear a bra! If you wear Lululemon or other trendy sportswear all day after working out, choose wisely. Ruffles on your ass at 40-something? Come on? Hey I have always promised to tell it like it is when writing my blog. Here are some more Midlife Fashion Fails by Vikki Claflin! They are HYSTERICAL and I stand behind them!

Now there is the other end of the Spectrum. What gives with some women? Is there a race to look 80? Calm down! I'll say it again Elastic Waist Pants NO! Eye glass ropes? Lord! Yes we start losing our eye sight. But do you have to advertise that you always lose your glasses too! Splurge, get several fashionable glasses those ropes scream OLD. Speedos for women is out unless you are a lap swimmer. Do not wear this on the beach by god. Might I add this goes for men also, I'm about to vomit with that image coming to mind. Get clothes tailored, they just aren't making them to fit us. Don't let the fashion industry shove you into over forty frump. My next biggy, go to a make-up consultant every 3-5 years after 35. Your color changes, skin texture, and shape. Just because your friend wears eyeliner on upper and lower lids doesn't mean your eyes can do the same. Here are more tips to keep from looking old!

These are all just overviews. If you think you can still rock something go for it! I tried to wear these toile overalls into my 40's that I loved. My dear friends from college slammed on me with no mercy. They are now in pieces and are beautiful toile pillows. We all get into ruts or think we can wear what some celebrity wore on the red carpet. Not so my friends… Sometimes though we just don't care! I know baggy sweat pants are a no no at my age. But on a cold brisk Saturday when I am feeling lazy… Midlife fashion critics can kiss my arse. I'm wearing my yummy pinky dot baggy sweats. At least until my girlfriends take those too and make pillows out of them!

Keep looking forward so you don't miss what God puts in front of ya!

Matuschka's Midlife... Telling it like it is...

 
 
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by Matuschka Lindo

Savannah Guthrie on NBC's Today Show; who just gave birth to a baby girl, has taken my midlife mind and heart on a whirlwind. I have watched her express her fear of parenting and the fear of bringing a child into this world. The fear of not screwing up the most important job you will ever have. Knowing all eyes are on you and all eyes are judging. How I remember that pressure. When you first see that baby and feel a love you never have… you get it! You think come hell or high water I'm making things good for this little person. Congratulations Savannah and welcome sweet baby Vale. It has caught me off guard, but that fear and joy has hit me again. Even harder with crushing sobs sometimes, as I hide in my closet. Hiding because I don't want my family to know that I am so happy with the family we have built. I am terrified to complete the job. That job?  To move forward and let my oldest and first born son spread his wings. The fear of bringing him into the world seems so small today compared to my fear of releasing him into this world. As I sit and watch the news in Ferguson less than half an hour drive from my front door in St. Louis. The coverage loudly reminds me… it's not a kind world and life can be hard.  But I must remember we have given him love, we have given him faith, and we have taught him the necessary tools for life. So yes, I also have the joy, just as I did when I saw him for the very first time. The joy of a proud mom accepting the gift of a baby who was perfect in my eyes. I have the joy of knowing we have raised a good man. We have done our part and he is ready. He is excited and he wants to go out and be a part of this world and make his mark. I look at baby Vale and think I also have a little girl with those cheeks and in two more years I must release her too. Will the tears ever stop rolling down my cheeks, so I can see what I am typing to finish this blog darn it?

The other trigger, the posts on social media of the first day of preschool and kindergarten have caught my eye. I click on every one of them I see and remember. The heavy back pack, the untied shoe, the missing front teeth… but in every moms eyes these are our perfect children. When you took that first one and dropped them off, you thought 3:00pm would never come. To look back in my rearview mirror as I ran errands and see one child seat empty, would tug at my heart. This drop off 18 years later is going to tug a little harder I fear. He has started packing his suitcase instead of  a backpack. Gone are the supplies of kleenex and hand wipes that he took to school. The supplies are crates, racks and refrigerators. CLICK FOR COUPONS! I must admit even though it's hard to let go there is a bubbling excitement inside me as well. Which is why I hide the tears because I can't explain to my teenager that I am so excited, thrilled and happy for him! What teenager is going to believe those words when my lips are trembling because my throat is so tight and burning as I fight back tears. I don't have time to share that my midlife hormones are also part of his college journey transition. For now it will be the closet until my heart gets put back into my chest. I will not ruin his adventure. He has worked hard and we are proud. I must follow my own advice I put in front of you every blog I post. Keep looking forward so you don't miss what God puts in front of ya! 

When I dropped my last off to kindergarten. I think I was screeching on two wheels when I pushed her out of the car. I was so excited to finally have 7 hours to myself. I was no longer a toddler event coordinator it was true freedom. I was now shocked at how fast 3:00pm came! Which tells me it's all how you view it! Let's do that, let's look forward by getting the first one off to college. Then I will focus on all that lies ahead. Having one at home to spoil and give my undivided attention. (She may not like that, ha sweet revenge.) New locations to visit as I follow my kids on their adventures. A house that stays clean for several days. More time to reconnect with my husband. We are even trying to downsize to a turn key condo to make life more hassle free. If we can make a family of four so awesome. Think what we can do with new daughter/son in-laws and grandchildren. My tears are drying now, there is only light wetness on my lashes. I am feeling better and more focused on finishing the job I started 18 years ago. I will copy the words that Savannah used when she brought Vale into the world as I take my oldest to college. "I feel like life just started"… again.

Keep looking forward so you don't miss what God puts in front of ya!

Matuschka's Midlife... Telling it like it is...

 
 
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by Matuschka Lindo

There I was in a boutique clothing store in tight quarters looking at some sale items. I was standing next to an elderly woman probably mid to late 80's. We were commenting on the fact that fall items were already out and it was only the beginning of August. Mid conversation she just Rips a long wheezing sound. I'm staring at her and she continues talking as if nothing is happening. The weirdest part of the entire thing, is I feel more uncomfortable than she does. How can that be? I am not the one letting out the 20 second high pitched Fart! There is no one else in the back of the store and I know it's not me. It's her and this natural act of Releasing Gas is not phasing her one iota. Which now I am starting to think? WOW! When do you get to that age or point in your life? When are you so comfortable in your skin and accept the uncontrollable events of mother nature with a que sera sera attitude? GEEZ, I am so not there yet!  CLICK HERE for TEN Fascinating Fart Facts! It really is worth the Click!

Studies say we potentially Butt Sneeze 15 to 20 times each day. Excuse me for doubting this, but I think I would know if I was Breaking Wind that much. I am NOT! Unless it happens while I am sleeping. Which could be, according to the  top ten Panty Burp Facts from above? Now let's get back to the woman who was Rump Ripping and talking to me while we were shopping. Turns out the odds of holding it in as you get older diminish for two reasons. (I see you all shaking your heads with a say it isn't so look.) But yes, we get gassier as we age. The general reason is that like everything else about our bodies as we get older, digestion slows down and food moves through the gut more slowly creating more gas. Sorry… Secondly, as we get older we take more prescription drugs. Gas is a side effect of some antibiotics and blood-pressure medications, and Flatulence often accompanies constipation. Here are some natural easy ways to control gas.

This blog research does not include men. They Pass Gas in jest and in public from birth. They sit on each there, they do it in tight quarters on purpose, they even put a match to it! So I am sure this is not something they worry about with age. Disgusting but I guess rewarding for the OLD FARTS! There's no hope for them so lets just concentrate on us females. There are diets like FODMAP, developed by Australian dietitian and nutritionist Sue Shepherd, that help people who have a lot of gas and food sensitivity. What none of my research gave me was the answer to when you start Tooting at free will in public and not give a damn who is around. Maybe it's not that you don't care? Maybe it's that when you reach a certain age there are too many Sphincter Whistles to control. This is a road I do not want to cross. I will be searching high and low on how to control the aging gassiness dilemma. I would love to hear from you. Will aging release your inhibitions when it comes to Heinie Hiccups? Do you have Raspberry standards? Only with your husband, girlfriends, or close relatives. Have you picked an age when you are going to Blow freely? Do Tell! It is quite musical through out the pews at early morning masses when I attend. So maybe I'll start there in a decade or so.
*Above image by Shutterstock/Salon

Keep looking forward so you don't miss what God puts in front of ya!

Matuschka's Midlife... Telling it like it is...


 
 
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by Matuschka Lindo

Back from vacation and enjoyed time off from the blog world. I noticed something happening with many family summer vacations as I watched people posting their summer travels. There were multiple posts on Facebook of all the places people vacationed. I mean every town, place of dining, shopping etc. There seems to be nothing left to talk about when I actually see the person. Which is really sad because I know I am missing all the good stories. Not to mention the real vacation. The 80 percent truth you don't hear about. Let's be real when posting family vacations (trips if your kids are younger than 13) it's not all smiles and fun. We all know what's happening on those vacations that is not showing up on Facebook. I'm going to have to agree with the article I read on The Stir website naming 6 things people need to stop bragging about… I think vacations may need to be added to the list if you are posting about the perfect trip you had… REALLY, no such thing? 

Let me help you confess what you are not posting on Facebook.
* The plane ride where you sat next to the person who doesn't shut up. Or the person who brought a meal to feed an army and enjoyed it through the entire 6 hour flight. 
*The car drive where someone threw up. The car that broke down.
*The constant fighting and disagreement on where to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
*The family member that drank too much on the trip and made an ass of themselves.
*The in-laws that invited themselves.
*All the times you got lost.
*The forgotten wallet, passport, ticket etc.
*The missed plane, extra baggage fees, forgotten underwear not packed.
*The mothers and wives still spinning like tops cooking and doing laundry on their 'vacation'.
One of the best vacations I read about was, 'What taking a vacation from Facebook can teach you!'
Facebook has invaded our vacations. Instead of just trying to get that great Christmas picture on vacation. We are all taking pictures for the next great post. Yikes! What's happening to us, what a waste of time. What makes the person enjoying a wonderful meal at a resort stop half way through to take a picture of their half eaten food. Do you really think we want to see a munched on meal? I've never been in the middle of a fabulous steak and thought, "Oh shit wait let me take a picture before I finish this delicious dinner." That's bat crazy!

Let me explain Facebook through my midlife eyes. To me it is a lot like Christmas Cards. I do social media as an update of sorts from family and friends to stay connected. The same way I love to get those cards in the mail during the holidays and see the family pictures. I love to see the changes a year can make. I want to see the special occasions, Birthdays, First Communion, Bart/Bat-mitzvah, Graduations, Reunions etc. posted on Facebook. Fifteen pictures of your family vacation is equivalent to the great aunt that writes the three page family history in the Christmas card with  pictures of everywhere she visited and her mug (pic) in all of them. Who reads that… NO ONE! Maybe give us one - three pics, then when you come home share the good and the bad and let's enjoy the real vacation you took as a family. We don't need to see every city you visited in South Africa. Just the one amazing family picture. Now if you have a picture of your husband in the hospital bitten all over by fire ants… ya share that too! 

Am I the only one who feels this way? Maybe? To all my friends out there, no I am not thinking of anyone in particular. It's just something I noticed while perusing through my news feed this summer. Truly, I hope everyone had safe vacations. Remember even the bad parts of a vacation stamp a wonderful memory in the history of your family. Think about it?  The worst parts of most vacations end up making the best stories for the future! Another thing you may want to remember is not to post your vacations until you get home. There are now reports that show burglars are actually shopping for victims on social media. Read this Safety and Security article about What NOT to say on Facebook and Twitter. Even posting that you're out for dinner is an invitation for crime! Call me old fashioned but I would love to come over for a glass of wine and have a great talk and hear all about your vacation in person. That's what REAL friends do!

*Above image from Allfacebook

Keep looking forward so you don't miss what God puts in front of ya!

Matuschka's Midlife... Telling it like it is...